phone sex grandma

Wicked NSFW.

someone pop me

We went to Steak & Ale last night for dinner. I like this place because it is kind of cheesy in an 80's way. It is a little run down and definitely full of wood inside. It's dark, kind of like a place your grandfather would like. And, like an old man, I like it too. Plus, they have a salad bar, which is always a winner in my book.

So, last night we went. I made two trips to the salad bar before my meal came. And then I ate my meal. I was so full after dinner that I practically had to lay down. But wait, it gets better. Before bed I literally shoved down my gullet a piece of carrot cake. Now, I wasn't the least bit hungry, but for some reason I am not able to leave dessert and eat it later. I am such a pig.

Today I am paying. My stomach is killing me and I won't even get into how much the toilet hates me this morning. It is going to be a long day...

someone took this literally

Keep in mind this actually happened. This is someone who was moving from an insurance claims office. (click on image to see full size).

Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Wal-Mart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?'

Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

Wal-Mart Employee: 'What you want on the cake?'

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.

You can't fix stupid

thoughts on my first trade show

Last week my company participated in a local trade show. The theme was Business to Business and there were over 500 companies participating. It is very interesting being a part of a trade show in Florida, especially in June. First, everyone was soaked in sweat from lugging in their wares in the hot summer sun. I was literally dripping with sweat when we were finished bringing in our gear. Embarrassed, I hustled over to the men's room to clean myself up. It was then that I noticed that EVERYONE was sweaty. This was going to be an interesting day.

Once we were set up, I took a walk around the venue and was amazed at the number of people who were in attendance. At times we were literally arm to arm walking through the booths. Some companies took a novel approach and hired young girls to hand out their materials, not a bad idea considering they had no problems giving away their stuff. I was tempted to take off my shirt and walk around, but figured that might not be a good idea for our prospective sales.

Most interesting to me were the number of people who were walking from booth to booth dropping their business cards and taking ours, without even knowing what these companies do. They are obviously going to spam everyone with whatever they are selling. I don't like that approach very much, but I guess it comes with the territory.

As the day wore on and the attendees began drinking, the tone took on a more casual feel. After a couple drinks people were much more friendly and it made my job easier (I wasn't drinking). I noticed a slow progression as the day wore on towards people not feeling nervous about coming up to the booths. That was great. I think they should have served booze all day!

The biggest thing I took away from the event was that it is so tiring. From being on my feet all day, to greeting countless new faces and companies, by the end of the night I was exhausted. I fell into bed and was asleep in no time.

bucket residence, lady of the house speaking!

damn you, google street view

Click the picture to see larger image.

Google Street View was in our neighborhood sometime last winter. Recently I looked up our house and was HORRIFIED at what I saw. Our house looks like a crack den. When they took the picture we were right in the middle of some renovations. There were no bushes in the yard, our house had grey stucco all over it and there was trash under the carport. Thanks for picking the absolute worst possible time to swing by our place and take a picture, Google Street View.

Google Street View, please come by our place once more and take a new picture. But please give us some notice so I can make sure the lawn is mowed. Thanks.

girls make pregnancy pact, wtf?

Did you see this story about the high school girls who made a pact to all get pregnant and raise their babies together? What a bunch of dumbasses.

From the story on boston.com:

Gloucester school officials have discovered at least part of the reason that their high school pregnancy rate has more than quadrupled over the past year, according to a Time magazine story that hits newsstands today.

"Nearly half the expecting students, none older than 16, confessed to making a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together," the magazine's story said, after reporters talked with Joseph Sullivan, Gloucester High School principal.

Seventeen girls at the 1,200-student Gloucester High have gotten pregnant over the school year, more than four times the average number. The spike has shocked and baffled education and health officials there and reignited a fierce debate about contraception in schools. But many told the Globe last month that the most alarming facts were that a significant portion of the expecting girls were 16 and younger and that some seemed to be intentional.

"More students are coming in and asking about pregnancy testing," the city's public health director, Jack Vondras, told the Globe last month. "What's odd is that some of them are disappointed because they're not getting pregnant."

In addition, at least some of the men involved in the pregnancies are in their mid-20s, a fact that prompted Mayor Carolyn Kirk of Gloucester to ask about statutory rape charges at last month's School Committee meeting.

Kirk and other Gloucester officials could not be reached for comment last night, but Patricia Quinn, executive director of the Massachusetts Alliance on Teen Pregnancy, called the revelation, "distressing."

Adults in the city need to do a better job of showing teen girls a pathway to adulthood that includes something other than parenting, she said.

"When it comes to sex, a lot of communities struggle to be forthright," she said. "People in Gloucester need to look at using what feels like a crisis as an opportunity to improve services and support."

call for guest bloggers!

I am looking for a few guest bloggers! If you don't have your own blog, why not occasionally post your funny stories and interesting items on my blog? No, it's not because I'm lazy. It is because sometimes it is really hard to think of interesting things to write about. I do my best, but it would be fun to see other perspectives on MarksNews.com. Plus, these posts occasionally get picked up by other sources and are read around the world. Here's your chance to become a virtual globetrotter!

Come on, kids! Warm up your typing fingers and let's get a-bloggin'!

babe, I got you babe

Oh, those Golden Girls!

perhaps the best concert ever

Last night a few of us went to see the Cyndi Lauper/B-52s/Rosie O'Donnell show. I don't know where to begin. It was such a good time. I guess I'll just dive in...


First, the venue, The Bank Atlantic Center, is amazing. It is 12 miles from our house, which takes very little time to get to. It is literally on the edge of the Everglades. We parked in the parking lot that is right in front of the center, so we got out of the car and walked right in. No fuss, no muss. Inside, the place is really nice. Escalators take you from floor to floor, and our group, which had seats on the 3rd floor, had a bar right near our seats. And, the bar served liquor! Oh, joy of joys! We each had a drink and sat down to watch the show. To smoke all I had to do was walk about 50 feet away from our seats and there was a door that led to a balcony. I was in heaven.


When we arrived, The Clicks were playing. We had never heard of them and they were just OK. But then Carson Kressley came on stage. He was the MC for the evening. He is really funny and made the time pass while the acts changed. Next, Deborah Cox came out. I love, love, love Deborah Cox. She sang some of her best songs, and, of course, we were all dancing around.


After Deborah, we had a short intermision and The B-52s came out. Wow, they are great. I definitely want to get their new album, Funplex. They were fun, and played such favorites as Rock Lobster, Love Shack and Roam. Excellent, no question. Fred Schnieder seemed a little bit like a diva, but I guess that comes with the territory when you're a rock star.

When Cyndi came out, the crowd went wild. She is truly awesome. Her speaking voice is really funny. It is a little squeaky and she has a huge New York accent (that I think she plays up for her fans). I couldn't get over her voice. After singing for over 20 years she still has an amzing sound to her. She did some accapella songs and blew us all away. She performed some of her favorites, including Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, I Drove All Night, Time After Time, True Colors and a couple from her new album. I am definitely going to buy her new album. I like the sound of it. It has some funky beats, and with her amazing voice, it won't dissapoint.

ron jeremy's book

I just finished Ron Jeremy's book. You know what? I was pretty good. My friend HD recommended it to me and she was right, it is interesting and Ron Jeremy isn't at all like you might picture him. Well, he is like you might picture him, but his personality isn't like his body.

He is smart, funny and not a bad writer (although towards the end of the book he lets on that he used a ghost writer). I thought the book would be all about his conquests with the 4,000(!) women he has bedded down, but, surprisingly, there is more to Ron Jeremy than meets the, er, eye.

Now I am reading perhaps the trashiest book to ever be presented to my eyes: Hollywood Babylon, It's Back! It is all about who slept with who, who has the biggest dong, who likes to give BJs under the table. It is obviously written by a gay man (2, in fact) because there is an inordinate amount of time spent on the guys. That's fine with me, though. I don't really care how cavernous Lana Turner's vajayjay was. Geesh. But to find out that John Holmes' pee pee was cut off before he was cremated? Now, THAT is news I can use!

new kids on the block

YES! We scored tickets to the NKOTB concert in November. We are going step by step and hangin' tough with the hottest Beantown boys ever. Well, now that they are in their mid-30s I guess you could say that although they still have the right stuff, they might be suffering from a little bit of games from the younger generations.

I can't wait to see who goes to this show. Is it going to be all people our age? Older? Younger? I wonder if any teen girls are into NKOTB. I'll be sure to fill you in.

I need to go onto eBay and find some acid-washed jean jackets and concert pins for us to wear to the show. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

i sound like barry white

Both Steven and I have colds. We got it from our friend Mike (thanks Mike!, just kidding) and the strangest thing is that all 3 of us only have symptoms in our throats (get your mind out of the gutter, Blanche). So, it's almost like a half-cold. No sniffles, no runny nose, just throat action.

My favorite part is that I sound like Barry White. Hey baby, you can't get enough of my lovin...I want to re-record all my voicemail greetings using this hot-assed voice, but no one will recognize me when I go back to my pre-pubescent normal voice. Oh well.

i heart dogs

Oh my God, I love dogs. When I see one I immediately turn into a blubbering idiot. I use the baby voices and funny faces that you see on women who are goo-goo'ing over babies on the street. Yup, I'm just as bad.

This morning I was at a client's office when all of a sudden, out of the corner of my little eye I spied an ENGLISH BULLDOG, my NUMBER ONE favorite dog (next to Millie, natch). I immediately jumped out of my seat and ran over to the dog and let him slobber all over me (as they tend to do). This dog was so much fun and such a cool pup. Being around people all day he wasn't fazed by a new person in the room. The way he saw it was that I was just another human who was going to fawn over him and give him treats. He wasn't wrong about that.

The ladies who work in the office told me that he only works four days a week (he has Fridays off) and sometimes he comes in late. What a cutie. I wanted to steal him!

more fun duck babies

The ducks had another litter of baby ducklings. Boy, are they cute. Yesterday I was feeding them and it was interesting to watch the fish fight the ducks for pieces of bread. Some of the bigger fish would even come up and take a nibble out of the ducks. I had never seen up close the fish in our canal. They look like the Oscars that I used to have in Boston. Probably some people have dumped their fish into the canal and now they are thriving in there. Interesting.

A lot of our neighbors like to fish in the canal. I don't know if they keep what they catch, but the thought of eating an Oscar doesn't sound too appealing to me!

i'm voting republican

Pure gold.

http://imvotingrepublican.com/

my parents are retiring

My mother said in an email to me recently, "I only have 3 months left to work". I was shocked. I knew my parents were planning on retiring in September, but it was always a ways off. Now it is in 3 months. Whoa. That is no time at all.

I am really excited (read: jealous) of them. They have worked hard for years and now it is their time to relax and enjoy themselves. They have taken up golf and are planning to buy a Cadillac. Very typical retiree behavior. So, why am I so jealous? Because they can get out of bed whenever they want, and every day is a weekend day. That's why!

They both plan on working part-time jobs, but, still, I have to get out of bed every weekday at 6:30. I don't think they will have to.

My mother has 3 months left to work. According to my calculations I have 360 months until I can retire (realistically, probably more).

this made my day

The Marine puppy-thrower has been kicked out of the Marines. Good. Bastard. I hope he dies a slow, painful death.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/06/12/marine.puppy/index.html

pc world's 100 best products of the year

PC World Magazine has a cool list of 101 Cool Online Freebies. This list is great and has everything from games to utilities to productivity software. I need to spend some time checking out the list and identifying what neat things I need to make my life perfect!

mid-week gathering

Last night David and Michael came over for dinner. It was an impromptu gathering as we had some important business to discuss. After we got that out of the way we played a really fun game (whose name is totally escaping me right now). Basically you have a device in your hand and the device has a word or phrase or name on it. Your job is to describe this to your teammate before the buzzer sounds. If you’re left with the device in your hands when the buzzer goes off the other team gets a point. It was a riot.

We had grilled chicken and rice and beans for dinner. It was a hot night so we ate inside. I love mid-week impromptu gatherings. We weren’t up late and I even had an opportunity to read more of my Ron Jeremy book before bed. Ahh, good times.

trying to eat at home

Steven and I battle what I call the "eating out" syndrome. We love to eat out. Whether it is that we're too tired from work to want to cook or there isn't any food in our refrigerator, it doesn't take much to convince us to eat out.

While it is a lot of fun to eat out and leave the cooking to someone else, there are downsides. First, it is expensive. What would cost us $15 to make at home can easily cost us $50 to get at a restaurant. Then there are the calories, my nemesis. I can go for a while making good choices (salads, no cheese, etc), but slowly it creeps up on me - bad decisions. Sure, I'll have the steak fajitas with cheese and sour cream. Hello? Who do I think I am? When I was in my 20s, this wasn't a problem. But now, approaching 32, I need to be more careful with my choices.

Last night we met our monthly book club peeps and we munched on cheese and more cheese and wine and quiche and cheese and rum cake. It was really good, but I am not even going to attempt to add up the calories. And tonight we are going out to eat with our friend who is going to the Cape for the summer. It never ends!

Hopefully tomorrow we can eat home. We need to eat white fish and lettuce. For a year.

fun things came in the mail!

Our good friend Joe sent us some really fun pool accessories this week. What a treat to come home and find two HUGE Crate & Barrel packages waiting for us at our door. When we open them we discovered they were full of really cool outdoor party stuff!

Thanks, Joe. You're the best. And this means that you and Armin need to come on down to Fort Lauderdale and help us use them :)

funny craig's list post

My friend HD sent me a very funny, and if true, very disturbing post from the Casual Encounters section of Criag's List. Here it is. I laughed out loud. The poor dude.

Mom, I know you're there.

Date: 2008-03-11, 4:38PM CDT

Mom, I know you’re out there, reading this. How do I know you’re out there? Let’s begin with that ad of mine that you recently responded to, shall we? You know the one I’m talking about. It was entitled, “Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?—m4w--22” That ad ran for three days before I got a response, and I can’t tell you, Mom, how my heart fell when I saw the photo that accompanied the response. It was your Realtor’s headshot, the one on your business card. Even worse was the text of your response. I’m so, so sorry I know now what you’d do to me if we ever “hooked up.” On the other hand, Dad must’ve been a very, very lucky guy back in the day. I dunno, maybe he still is.

I guess, Mom, when I think a bit about it, that I should resign myself to whatever it is that you are doing. After all, you’re an adult and I’m an adult. I can’t tell you what you should do with your life. But Mom, I’d like to raise a few points. The first point I’d like to raise is that you’re still married to Dad. Please, please PLEASE tell me that you have his blessing. My mind is reeling now, hoping that you’re not the people who posted “Fun Couple Looking For Others—MW4MW—57” I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that it is you. Now that I know you’re cruising CE, I suspect that there aren’t too many other 57 year old swingers from the Westlake area posting on Craigslist.

The second point I’d like to raise is that you owe it to whoever you’re trying to hook up with to be honest. I mean, I lived with you and Dad for 18 years. You’re not that fun.

Finally, I’d like you to stop responding to my “College Stud Needs a MILF—m4w—22” ads. The only one who should find you to be MILF-y at all is Dad. For me, you are just an “M”. Got it?

Your son.

PS. I’m going to swing by at around 7-7:30-ish to do a load of wash, is that okay? I tried to call you at the office, but they kept telling me that you’re busy.

Location: Austin

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 603080295

funny fart story

My friend told me the funniest fart story recently.

He was at his office working with the Director of HR. Since he is a techie, he works with a lot of the users at his company. After he helped the HR lady with her problem he left her office. She also left her office and they were walking down a narrow hallway, he was in front and the HR lady was behind him. He told me that he was thinking how embarrassing it would have been if he had farted with the HR lady behind him when all of a sudden HE FARTED. He said it was the craziest thing. He told me that he sometimes thinks about different embarrassing situations and "what if" scenarios and in this case he was thinking about one AND IT HAPPENED.

He said that when it happened he didn't even flinch. He just kept walking down the hall as if nothing had happened. As if he hadn't just farted on the Director of HR.

I'm glad I'm not the only one these things happen to!

coming up for air

Phew! I have been so busy at my new job. I love it and I definitely feel I made the right decision to leave my other job, but boy, I haven't worked this hard in a long time!

Luckily, I am getting the hang of things and that makes everything a little easier, but, boy, I am working my butt off! The weekend is coming up and we have a lot of plans, so that is definitely something to look forward to!

sex and the city and cop trap

Last Friday a group of us went to see the Fort Lauderdale premiere of Sex and the City. We bought our tickets in advance because we figured it would sell out. We were right. All three evening shows were sold out. I won't get into the details of the movie in case you haven't seen it yet, but on a scale of 1 to 10, I give this movie a resounding 10. It is fantastic and didn't disappoint.

After the movie we all planned on meeting at a bar for a cosmo so we could discuss the movie. Steven rode with our friends and I drove our friend, Mike, in our car. I thought I knew where the bar was, but it became quickly apparent that I had no idea where we were going as we drove around in circles, not finding our destination.

At one point we drove into a police DUI stop where they check all cars going by and make you show your license, registration and insurance information. I had all that and they let us go on our way, but not before we noticed a number of people who had been arrested for various reasons (they didn't tell us). Even though we were completely sober, it was scary. I am a very careful driver and haven't been pulled over while I was driving in 10 years. I respect the police and I am grateful for what they do. I know I couldn't take my life into my hands every day.

After getting lost and then the whole police thing, I was ready to call it a night. We called Steven, who had made it to the bar with the others and told him that we would meet them and trade husbands so we could go home. Sometimes it's just not in the cards, right?

sensible shoes

Speaking of drag queens, these are the only pair of ladies shoes that I own (thanks ES!!). They aren't too high and they are quite comfortable. I'll admit, recently I wore them out to a drag show. I wore them with jeans. Is that tacky? I love the way they sound when I walk. Boy, I am really gay, huh?

more drag!

We have a thing for drag queens. I don't mean that sexually. Let's get that out of the way right away. Our fondness for these female impersonators is much more than sexual. I can't quite put my finger on it, but seeing men dressed up as beautiful ladies is really interesting to us. And it's not just me and Steven. It's our other friends, too. Maybe it's a gay guy thing, but I am fascinated by the whole thing. If you see a drag queen as a man you might not realize that he is one. Some are obvious with their boob implants and manicured eyebrows, but many are just regular guys who like to dress up like women. Again, we don't actually do drag, nor are we interested in doing it, but to watch is amazing.

Recently we were at a drag show and the ladies were coming up to us and hugging us and chatting. We LOVED it. Fort Lauderdale isn't a huge city, so you get to know people after a while. Anyway, on a recent visit to the drag bar we watched the show, enjoyed ourselves and then the show ended. Our favorite drag queen, Lady Fancy chatted with us and we asked her to perform our favorite drag song, Boobs, by Ruth Wallis. Long story short, she didn't have the song with her, but she did perform a lovely Judy Garland song JUST FOR US. We felt so honored. It really made our night.

steven spielberg

On Fridays Steven leaves his office and walks to a Thai restaurant for take-out. He is little bit of a creature of habit, but that's not the point of this post (and I think it's really cute, BTW). He gets the same thing each time, some Thai basil chicken concoction.

Yesterday he told me a funny story about how every time he calls and places his order, the lady asks his name and he says 'Steven'. She laughs and says 'Oh, Steven Spielberg, I've seen all your movies. I loved Indiana Jones'. EVERY time. What the fuck? I mean, yeah, it would be a little funny/odd the first time, but EVERY time? Now, I think THAT is funny because it is so random.

So now I am calling him Steven Spielberg. I like the sound of it. Does that make me Mrs. Spielberg?

it's the weekend!

And we're going to see Sex and the City! Boo Yah.

oh, that millie

Millie loves Chees-Its. Who knew? I certainly didn't. One dropped out of my hand today and she dived for it like it was a t-bone steak. Now she is right next to me, making kissy noises, hoping I will drop another. Oops. I just did. It is really funny to watch her devour the little sqaure crackers.

I know, Millie. I can't resist the 100% real cheese flavor of Sunshine baked snack crackers either.

Come on, now. Let's go for a walk.

post #450: starting a new job

Lovelies,

This is my 450th post! Wow, time sure files. I have started a new job and I am going to be tied up much of the week while I get settled into my new surroundings. But please don't forget about me. I promise to be back soon. I have a few stories already in my head (Mike, yes, one of them revolves around the personal drag show! And ES, one of them involves your old, but very comfortable shoes) that I will be posting shortly.

In the meantime, check out the links on the right-hand side of this page. These are my very favorite websites and they keep me company during the long workdays.

juno

I just watched Juno. I don't make you do much, but I do require that you watch this movie if you haven't yet seen it. The characters are PERFECT for the story. Justin Bateman and Jenifer Garner co-star in the film, alongside Ellen Page, as Juno.

The story is fantastic; a 16 year-old girl gets pregnant while in high school and decides to give up the baby for adoption. You must see this movie. It is definitely one of the best movies I have seen in a while.

does this make any sense?

I noticed a sign in a bar restroom. It was a press release from the Broward County Sheriff's office. They were announcing a DUI checkpoint that was going to be in effect for memorial Day weekend. It listed the dates, times and address of where the checkpoint was going to be located. At the end of the notice it stated that the notice was in accordance with some Supreme Court ruling.

Now, wait a minute. They were basically telling anyone who was going to be on the road to avoid that are of town this weekend. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of a DUI checkpoint? So strange, Florida.

ugly betty

Did you watch the season finale of Ugly Betty? Who is she going to choose? I can't believe we have to wait all summer to find out. Is it going to be Gio? Henry? Neither? I am positively biting my nails in anticipation.

What a great way to end a season. I won't get into the details in case you haven't watched the last episode, but I literally gasped at the end!

This is certainly one of my favorite shows, and definitely one that I look forward to watching more of in the fall. Plus, The Office. That was quite an ending, as well.